Warhammer: Vermintide 2 – Character Guide for Elf Envy

Warhammer: Vermintide 2 – Character Guide for Elf Envy 1 - steamlists.com
Warhammer: Vermintide 2 – Character Guide for Elf Envy 1 - steamlists.com

It’s here. It’s real. Help is here.


This is satire. If you take it seriously, you’re an umgak.

You are not alone

Cousin Okri reports that at least 25% of people suffer from a serious health condition called Elf Envy. Symptoms can range from anything like wishing you had pointed ears to feelings of jealousy that your throwing axe is smaller than the elf’s javelin. If you feel like you suffer from Elf Envy, consult your local Sigmarite Priest for treatment. They can help.
Studies have also shown that the majority of people suffering from Elf Envy are dwarves, marking them as susceptible and higher risk individuals. If you know a dwarf, please recommend them to visit their local Sigmarite Priest for a checkup. A good friend looks out for their friends.

Taking the first step

For those suffering from Elf Envy, the first phase is almost always denial. The individual will deny any feelings of wanting to be an elf. They may even demonstrate open hostility to elves.

From a recent interview:

Lardin: The elf is [redacted] OP. Look at how tall she is! She doesn’t even have a beard, and she’s somehow blessed by Cousin Norris himself.
Interviewer: I’ve played the elf, Lardin. I don’t think she’s better than everyone else. If anything, I think she’s a bit one-dimensional.
Lardin: Oh, so you play the elf, do you? Elf main, huh? This reeks of foulplay. I’m being interviewed by an elf-lover.
Interviewer: I play everyone. Right now I’m maining Mercenary, who only has 3 ranged weapons, you know.
Lardin: Mercenary’s for [redacted]. Git gud, sometime, will you?
Interviewer: Lardin, you have a rocket launcher, a flame thrower, and a chain gun. These are game-changing weapons. The masterwork pistol –
Lardin: This interview isn’t about me. It’s about the [redacted] elf. That thing needs to be nerfed. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it.



Notice how the suffering individual points blame at the elf. They deflect any criticism they receive towards the elf. This is a common symptom among those suffering from Elf Envy.

Let’s put things into perspective

Here are some facts which may be of assistance in recovering from Elf Envy.
1. Mercenary is the best healer in the game. With a purple potion, he can fully heal the entire team, whilst also stunning enemies. He’s also strong in general. None of the elves can heal. Is he worse than an elf?
2. Ironbreaker has outrageous options at his convenience. Free damage shields, free AoE stuns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, high HP and damage reductions, and up to 15 seconds of soft invulnerability. Is he worse than an elf?
3. Witch Hunter has amazing damage potential. Everything he touches bleeds, he can instakill with headshots, and his ult allows him to go into instakill mode. On top of that, he’s increasing the team’s damage by a minimum of 20%. Is he worse than an elf?
4. Ranger can kill a boss incredibly fast just by ulting and free-firing the masterwork pistol. He’s in almost complete safety, since he’s invisible. On top of that, he can generate items for free. Is he worse than an elf?

The final step

The final step in the treatment process is acceptance. It is safe to say that when an individual reaches this point, they will be mostly cured of Elf Envy. They will see things less selfishly and see the big picture in the End Times. They will know their pyromaniac friends are just as powerful as elves, and that their rocket launchers are very potent. They will know that anything an elf can do, another class can do just as well or better.
The power is in their hands, and pointing the blame at others for their own inadequacies isn’t a healthy way to approach things.

Consult a Sigmarite priest today

Contact Lohner for an application and any further inquiries regarding Elf Envy. Your local Sigmarite priest is professionally trained to treat you with utmost care and dedication.

Written by Ghoul Hunter

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